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How Alexandre de Moraes Became the Dictator of Brazil

In a turn of events that would make even the boldest of telenovela writers blush, Alexandre de Moraes, the man who was once just a Supreme Federal Court (STF) judge, has now allegedly risen to the grandiose throne of Brazil's dictatorship. But, alas, not even his enviable collection of power suits could have prepared him for this wild ride.

Our story begins in the hallowed halls of the STF, where Alexandre, with a dazzling smile and a ferocious determination, decided that simply interpreting the law was for mere mortals. No, Alexandre had grander designs. He dreamed of a Brazil where judicial robes were more than just elaborate wizard costumes and where gavels wielded the kind of unchecked power that would make Thor’s hammer look like a rubber mallet.

Alexandre de Moraes in his power suit, eyes glinting with a mischievous plan.

First on his to-do list was to ensure that his coiffed image became the most recognized in Brazil. Billboards sprang up overnight with his face plastered on them, often sporting the slogan, “Because why not? Vote Alexandre!” The man was everywhere – you couldn’t even buy a pão de queijo without his face smiling back at you, a cheesy yet stern reminder of who’s in charge.

With a marketing campaign that would make even Steve Jobs come back from the dead just to take notes, Alexandre's image became ingrained in the Brazilian psyche. Next, he tackled the media. No more melodramatic soap operas or football commentary – it was all Alexandre, all the time. His speeches, his press conferences, his morning jog – it was like “The Truman Show”, but with more judicial flair and less existential dread.

An all-Alexandre TV channel broadcasting nothing but his daily life.

But the pièce de résistance of his ambitious climb was his bold proclamation on a live broadcast: “Why limit myself to just the judiciary? The whole country should bask in my jurisprudential glory!” And thus, without any formal election and just a sprinkle of what can only be described as ‘divine intervention’ from the God of Legalese, Alexandre de Moraes crowned himself the Supreme Leader, Judge, and Generalissimo of Brazil.

What followed was a series of hilarious yet jaw-dropping decrees. Such as the mandatory wearing of wigs for all citizens in public spaces. “If it’s good enough for 18th-century judges, it’s good enough for 21st-century Brazilians,” he declared. Or the less popular ‘Gaveling Hour,’ where every household had to stop whatever they were doing and collectively slam a gavel down – a nod to Alexandre’s appreciation for tactile affirmation of authority.

To top it all off, Alexandre’s new national anthem was just the STF decision theme song, played on repeat. Schools across Brazil were forced to have students sing it before and after every class, a move that had everyone scrambling to find earplugs.

Students performing the new anthem with mixed emotions.

And so, under the omniscient gaze of Alexandre de Moraes, dictatorship was allegedly achieved with a flare of the dramatic, a touch of the absurd, and the kind of judicial zest that could only come from a man with his sights set on the stars. Was it fate? Was it luck? Or was it just a really slow news day? Whatever the case, Brazilians now had a front-row seat to the quirkiest dictatorship ever conceived.

But fret not, dear readers. This tale, while filled with hyperbole and humor, serves as a gentle satirical nudge, reminding us to keep a close eye on those we place in power, lest they start scheduling ‘Gaveling Hours’ in our lives too. Until then, keep your wigs handy and your gavels at the ready – just in case.