Ajit Pai Declares Himself 'King of the Internet'

Jun 25, 2023, 4:08 AM

The controversial FCC Chairman Ajit Pai has made a bold proclamation that will shake the very foundations of the internet as we know it. Pai, who has been accused of attempting to dismantle net neutrality, has declared himself the "King of the Internet," with utter disregard for the opinions of netizens everywhere.

The announcement was met with outrage and disbelief, with many wondering just how someone with such a tenuous grip on how the internet works could make such a claim. However, Pai has remained steadfast in his conviction, insisting that it is his divine right to rule over the virtual realm.

In his first decree as King of the Internet, Pai announced that all memes would henceforth be under his royal jurisdiction. He claimed that he had always been a fan of the "meme culture," but that it had gotten out of hand, with too many people attempting to profit from it. In order to reign in the unruly meme community, Pai stated that all memes must be pre-approved by the "Meme Censorship Board" before being posted online.

Predictably, this announcement was met with widespread outrage, with many taking to social media to express their indignation. In response, Pai issued a stern warning to those who dared to disobey his decree, declaring that any unauthorized memes would be summarily deleted, with offenders facing hefty fines and even imprisonment.

While many have expressed shock and dismay at Pai's coronation, others have expressed cautious optimism, arguing that perhaps he would be a more benevolent ruler than initially presumed. However, the events of the past few days have done little to allay those fears, as Pai has continued to issue draconian decrees with alarming regularity.

In his latest edict, Pai has announced that all online dissent will henceforth be considered an act of treason, punishable by a lifetime ban from the internet. He argued that such measures were necessary to ensure that his rule was not undermined by "fake news" and other forms of propaganda, which he claimed were being used to sow discord and discontent.

Unsurprisingly, this announcement has led to widespread condemnation from human rights groups, who have argued that it represents a gross violation of free speech and basic human liberties. As of now, it is unclear how far Pai is willing to go to enforce these regulations, but many fear that it is only a matter of time before the internet as we know it is gone forever.

As for net neutrality, it seems that Pai has all but given up on any pretense of protecting it. In a recent interview, he stated that he believed that the concept of an open internet was "a relic of the past," and that the future of the internet lay in the hands of private companies, who he believed would do a much better job of regulating it than any governmental body ever could.

While it's yet to be seen how far Pai's reach will extend in the coming years, one thing is certain: the internet as we know it is facing an uncertain future. Whether or not we will be able to salvage it remains to be seen, but for now, we must continue to fight against those who seek to suppress the very freedom that defines our virtual world.

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.