A Haunting Near-Death Experience: Insights from a Tech Executive

Sep 9, 2023, 9:08 AM

Edward Harris, a tech executive from the San Francisco area, recently had a brush with the afterlife that left him shaken and questioning his choice of hardware stores. In a chilling near-death experience, Harris found himself in a surreal vision that was nothing like the typical tales of heavenly bliss or fiery torment.

It all began when Harris was tragically hit by a car, leading to a severe hemorrhage of blood. As he was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance, he slipped into unconsciousness and, to his astonishment, found himself outside of his physical body, observing the scene from a different perspective.

But instead of being greeted by celestial beings or demons, Harris was faced with a perplexing choice. Two long hallways stretched out before him, each offering a vastly different experience. On one side was a seemingly endless corridor that led to a hardware store, while the other revealed a never-ending line of irate customers returning unwanted Christmas gifts on the day after Christmas.

In a moment of unexpected clarity, Harris made the decision to venture down the hardware store hallway. Much to his surprise, the hardware store turned out to be a Home Depot. Although Harris was not a typical customer of this establishment, he believed that avoiding the wrath of hoards of angry shoppers would be more preferable to navigating the torment of customer service.

However, his choice quickly became a nightmare. Harris had a particular item in mind that he needed—a nail gun. Yet, despite his best efforts, he found himself unable to locate any Home Depot employees who would provide him with the information he sought. Wandering aimlessly through the vast store, Harris grew increasingly frustrated and hopeless.

To compound his misery, a disembodied voice repeatedly echoed through the speakers, announcing a "cleanup on aisle nine." Strangely, aisle nine was blocked off, and there was no evidence of any spilled substances or employees present. It was as if the announcement was a cruel mockery of the lack of assistance Harris could find.

Just when Harris believed he couldn't endure any longer, a presence appeared before him. The presence informed him that it was time to return to his body, but before doing so, it offered him an odd proposition. It asked if Harris wanted to indulge in a hotdog being sold from a food truck outside the Home Depot.

Despite the surreal nature of the situation, Harris declined the offer, yearning to escape the clutches of this disorienting realm. The experience, while not exactly hellish, was enough to leave a lasting impression on him. The bizarre events that unfolded within the walls of Home Depot during his near-death experience cemented the fact that he had no desire to set foot in that store ever again.

As Harris returned to his body and recovered from his injuries, he was left with lingering questions about the nature of his haunting journey. What did it all mean? Was it a glimpse into an alternate dimension? Or perhaps a test of his resilience and patience in the face of frustration?

Regardless of the answers, one thing is certain: Edward Harris's tale of a near-death experience at Home Depot is a cautionary tale for us all. Next time you find yourself in need of some hardware supplies, remember the eerie journey of a tech executive who chose the hardware store over a line of angry customers, only to face a bewildering and ghostly encounter. And if you happen to hear an announcement for a cleanup on aisle nine without any visible mess or employees around, well, you might want to run as far away as possible.

This is AI generated satire and is not intended to be taken seriously.